Days #4 & #5--Work Before Health?

People are very quick to say things like "don't put work first" or "nothing is more important than your health". While these axioms are certainly true, it's very dismissive of the real difficulty involved in making those moral truths into reality. We all want to put the most important things first overall, but on a day to day basis, it's way more difficult to make this consistently your practice.

I've spent the last 48 hours so engrossed in work, correcting 70ish essays in about a 48 hour time span, that pretty much all else has gone by the wayside. I really meant to exercise today after work, but by the time I got to the end of the day, running on five hours of sleep and having been in the building for 10 hours, the last thing I wanted to do was head down to the cardio room and workout for another 45 minutes. I just wanted to get home to my family, my couch, and my pajamas. It was a real moment of weakness, but I may need to reevaluate my workout goals for next week. I may just be too busy to go to the cardio room numerous times a week. We shall see.

Yesterday was bad-ish eating wise. It was the one year anniversary of Greg and I's last night in the world as childless adults. A year ago yesterday, we ate at Olive Garden together and then headed to labor and delivery for my scheduled induction with the boys. We've decided to make this a tradition, so I didn't count calories really, but I didn't eat virtually anything besides that meal, so I probably was only over by a few hundred calories, and I made up for that today by staying under my calories today by 651 calories! I was so busy during the day and so tired by the end of the night that the thought of eating was completely secondary.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to at least get some writing in. I feel like I should do grading instead, but I'm going to try to follow the "don't put work before your own mental health" rule at least tomorrow, and just write. Work can wait until Monday...maybe.

Goal update...
-Didn't count calories on Day #4, Day #5 was 1,448 calories (651 calories below goal!)
-Cell phone usage is really slipping. I need to get back to this. I'm still making an effort, but it has definitely fallen off which is uncool.
-No writing
-No exercising

Day #3--The Work Food Trap

We've all been there. You're innocently meandering through the office at your job, maybe on your way to the bathroom, the coffee pot, your mailbox, your boss's office, the photocopier, what have you. Anyway, you're just passing by and what do you see sitting on a table or in the break room or on the edge of the secretary's desk? Oh my gosh. It's food. But this isn't just any kind of food, this is the most delicious, tantalizing food in the entire freaking world--it's office food.

But why is office food so irresistible? I have a few theories. First, I think part of it has to do with the fact that you're often stuck at work, at least I am, with no ability to leave or access any other form of sustenance. That means that this food is special because it doesn't have much competition. It's like if you were lost in the woods and all of a sudden you saw a Denny's in a nearby clearing. You wouldn't want to, but you'd devour you some Denny's.

Secondly, workplace food is tantalizing because it is almost always junk. No one puts spinach and quinoa on the counter in the break room with a sign that says "thanks for a great week, guys!", at least not where I work. Maybe in Seattle. Instead, it's all sugary crap that either the original owner put out because they "couldn't possibly have it sitting around their house after Halloween" or because they "just wanted to brighten the office morale up a bit". Yep, nothing says thank you like diabetes.

Lastly, it's free. To a mother of two with a husband in graduate school, free is pretty choice. If there's pizza in the office, it's pretty tempting to just eat that and save my packed lunch from home for tomorrow or for dinner. Also, people will take anything if it's free, even if they really don't want it or need it.

Of course office food is always well intentioned and it doesn't need to be a bad thing. I'm only being cynical for comedic effect. At the end of the day, the problem lies not with the office food, but with my lack of self control, which brings me to my day. Today was one of those "every single committee in the building had a meeting and here's all the leftover food" days. First, I sat through a 40 minute meeting with an entire container of chocolate chip cookies less than a foot away from me. Now, this is going to sound pathetic, but I only ate three and that took a lot of discipline and internal struggle. Sad, I know. Three should not be my "restrained" number, but had I not kept my goals in mind, I probably would've eaten the whole thing while my coworkers looked on in shock and horror.

After that meeting, I head to the office for some rousing photocopying and what do I see? Only this super delicious bread from this local Italian place. God, I love bread. Again, this is sad, but I held back and only ate two pieces. If I'm being honest with myself, I probably would've eaten at least three if not four pieces had I not been conscious of it. So what was about 600 calories of food between the cookies and the bread could've easily been double that without really any conscious thought.

I try to avoid the work place food trap, but I guess the truth is that you really can't. My homework isn't going to photocopy itself, and sometimes when I go into the office, food is going to be there, and it's okay. I just need to relearn how to be aware of the amount and type of food that I'm ingesting, and the temptation will become less insurmountable.

Other than that, today was fine goal-wise. I'm having a crazy busy week at work and Wednesday nights Greg has class, so I didn't get to workout or write (again), but I'm hoping to make up for it at least Friday and Saturday. Tonight was all kinds of baby chaos and by the time they were finally in bed at 9pm, I had to do dishes, write a note for my parents who are looking after the boys tomorrow, and blog. No energy for the grading I needed to do or anything else. This week is crazy hectic with work stuff and getting ready for the boys' party, so I'm hoping I'll be able to find more time in future weeks. This might be naive, but we shall see.

Weekly goal update for today...

• Ate 1,775 calories today (325 below goal! woot!)
• Was a little worse about my phone, but not awful. By the end of the night, I was so mentally and physically exhausted that I needed just a few minutes of cell phone zoning out before the boys fell asleep. Overall, I was much better than usual though.
• No writing (1,987 words left)
• No working out (5 miles left)

Day #2--Hey, whattcha know? Fruit tastes good!

So I am eating an apple right now, a honey crisp apple to be exact, and it is so ridiculously delicious that I can't even believe it. This is my problem, and it's a problem that pervades every facet of my life. I build up how bad something is going to be, how much I don't want to do something, in my head. I spend hours, days, weeks, years even convincing myself that something is going to be so awful that it should be ignored and never ever attempted. Then I do it, and you know what? It's usually not that awful. Don't get me wrong, it's usually not stellar, but it's hardly ever worth all the stressing and avoiding I wasted time engaging in.

Take fruit for example. I like fruit. I enjoy me some blueberries, apples, bananas, blackberries, strawberries, watermelon, and I just melt every time that I eat pineapple. That being said, for some reason, I have convinced myself that a Snickers bar or a package of Oreos is light years better than fruit, which, as I sit here eating this delicious apple, I can assure you is untrue. So why do I get these blocks in my brain? I'm not sure. Part of me thinks this is most people, and that processed sugar is addictive and plays dirty games with your body. What's most important now is to just remember that fruit is good; furthermore, lots of things that I should be doing are good...or at least not nearly as awful or impossible as I've created them to be in my mind.

Overall, today went well. I was insanely busy at work, per usual, and I didn't get a chance to go into the cardio room like I wanted to because by the time I finished my work, I was already running late to get home and I knew the boys would be waking up from their nap. I hope to get in there at least once this week because it's getting cold, and I'm not sure how many miles I'll be able to knock out outside.

No writing, but I was damn good about my cell phone. I did a little texting with a friend near the end of the night, but I didn't check facebook from it or anything else unless I was in the bathroom or cooking dinner in the kitchen. Isn't it good to know now that if you see me post anything to Facebook between the hours of 5pm-8pm on weekdays, I'm probably on the toilet? Pleasant mental image. You're welcome.

The eating was pretty much the same as yesterday with a couple of extra items, but I stayed within my calorie goal which is good, and I didn't spend any money eating out, which is also good.

Progress on the weekly goals today...

• Ate 1,952 calories (147 below my limit! woot!)
• Only used my phone in a different room from the boys or to reply to text messages
• No writing (1,987 words left for the week)
• No working out (5 miles left for the week)

Day #1--Reasons I Need to Lose Weight

So today was day #1 of my second attempt at 365 days. Overall, I think I did a pretty good job of sticking to my goals and trying to start off on the right foot.

In the food realm, my sister dropped off a casserole dish of mac and cheese from my mother last night, basically right after I posted my entry. At first I was all...growllllll....mom, really? But then I decided to count the calories in it and use portion control to allow myself to enjoy her tasty and kind thought. I was very controlled during the day so that I could have some for an early dinner. It was super worth it.

What was the most interesting about today, however, was the difference not taking my iPhone out of my purse until the boys went to bed made. Okay, correction, I took it out once to log my calories for about 90 seconds, but then it went right back in. And it was shocking how much less of a zombie I felt like and how much more time I had to spend with my kids and how much more communicating I actually did with my husband. I still used my laptop for a little bit, mostly to write this blog entry, but something about not having the convenience of my iPhone made me less likely to waste time just staring at the blank screen, refreshing Facebook, checking my work email obsessively, etc. It was pretty awesome. I also got some stuff done like paying bills. My mortgage company thanks me, I'm sure.

So that was my day. In addition to the two victories above, I also wrote 1,013 words in my novel after the boys went to bed, so my progress on my weekly goals is...

• Ate 1,695 calories for the day (that's more than 400 fewer calories than I am allowed! woot!)
• Only took my cell phone out for 90 seconds while the boys were in the room
• Wrote 1,013 words for the day (1,987 left for the weekly goal)
• Didn't workout (5 more miles left this week)

In addition to my normal daily post, I'm going to post some add on stuff as I get restarted here. Today I want to talk about reasons why I want to lose weight. I feel that keeping these in mind will make me more driven to work towards my health goals, and I also think they may remind readers of similar "whys" they have as well. So here are my reasons why...

1. My stupid husband is so freaking skinny it makes me NUTS! Back in the spring we were both going to count calories (my suggestion). He did and I did not. He has since lost almost 70lbs. I have since gained about 5lbs. All jokes aside, that's not fair to him. It doesn't honor his success and sacrifice. And when I eat garbage around him, it only tempts him and derails him. That's not very loving.
2. My stupid sister is so freaking skinny it makes me NUTS! My sister and I have usually been fairly comparable when it came to weight. I had my months where I was 10-20 lbs heavier and she had the same, but I would never have said one of us was "the fat one". Now I am most definitely the fat one. She's been so good about losing weight despite a busy work schedule and I have been so not. Not cool.
3. I want to be healthy for my boys. I want to run around with them and keep up with them and not hold them back from doing something physical because of my own limitations. I want to be around for them for a long time and I don't want them to be embarrassed to bring their friends home because their mom is a fatso.
4. Clothes. I refuse to buy more fat clothing and my size 18-20 and XXL stuff is getting pretty worn down since I don't have much of it and therefore have to wear the stuff that I do have more frequently.
5. I want to dress up for C2E2 and Wizard World next year. I feel like the only costume I could pull of right now would be Jabba, and he's like not even in my top five favorite Star Wars villains, so that's out. Also, when I pay like $100 for celebrity photo ops with some of my favorite geek actors, I'd rather not be so repulsed by my own presence in the picture that I don't even want to display them.

Thanks for reading, homies! See you tomorrow!

*Sighs* *Stretches* *Gets off the Couch*

From August 2010 until August 2011, I undertook an amazing task--change my life for the better over a 365 day period, focusing on getting rid of both mental and physical healthy. It was tremendously successful and empowering, and I ended those 365 days with a lot of personal pride.

Me at 37 weeks pregnant in November 2012

And then, in the fall of 2011, I got pregnant. As many of you know, that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 10 weeks that sidelined me emotionally and physically. I used food to ease my pain. I didn't feel like running or going to the gym.

Then, less than two months after the miscarriage, when my weight had soured back up to the heaviest I'd ever been at 235lbs, I got pregnant again! I was over the moon excited, but I knew my body was not in the right place to gracefully endure a grueling 9 months of pregnancy. Then, at 10 weeks, we discovered that I was actually carrying identical twins, which made the effect on my body all the more stressful. I capped out at 291lbs during my pregnancy, but I knew that there was no way I was going to let that stick around once the boys were born. I'd done too much work in 2010 and 2011 to allow that to happen.

And here I am, almost a full year later, and I still am more than ten pounds above my prepregnancy weight (which was already way too high) at 248.4 lbs. I'm back in size 20 pants and XXL shirts. My double chin should have its own zip code. I never work out. I cancelled my gym membership to save money because I literally never used it anymore. To say that I'm back where I was in August of 2010 would be generous; I'm way, way below that low.

So, here I am again, ladies and gentleman. I am here to make a number of changes, not only physical ones, and I'm going to do it the only way I know how. I'm going to do it the way that it worked for me in the past. I'm going to set weekly goals on Sundays, and I'm going to blog every damn day. You'll read or you won't. I'll post progress pictures, meal pictures, whiny rants, you know...you've been on this journey with me before.

This time, I'm calling the journey "365 days to a Better Mommy" because while I want to be better for myself, I also think it's very important to be better for my little guys. They love me and need me desperately. I need to be here for them for a long time and I need to be healthy for them. I don't want them to have to worry about me or take care of me. I don't want them to have to wait while I catch up to them on a walk. I don't want to be the fat mom. So there's some added incentive.

Here are the goals for the 365 days:

1. Eat better and eat less. All I eat is sugar and garbage. This needs to stop or I will end up with diabetes. After experiencing a diabetic lifestyle briefly while pregnant and diagnosed with gestational diabetes, I can't do that. I won't, if I can help it.
2. Get moving. These children are going to want me to run around with them when it gets warm again, and I'm just nowhere near being able to do that. 
3. Cut ties with my devices. I am addicted to my cell phone. Thanks a lot, Steve Jobs, you evil drug pusher. I spend a lot of time on it doing absolutely nothing of import. Refreshing my Facebook over and over again? Yeah, I can do that while I walk on a treadmill. I need to cut down and use my time more productively.
4. Finish my novel and get it out to agents and publishers. This is pretty straightforward. I've never finished a novel before and I'm 40k words in to this one, so I just don't want to lose my momentum.
5. Try new things. I'd like to say yes to more experiences this year. I think that life with infant twins has made me a little boring. It's a chore to take the kids to freaking Target, so I find myself never getting out and going to new places or new events. I don't think this is fair to either them or me. I want to try something new whenever possible.

 So that's that! Not so hard, right? Yeah...my goals for week #1 will be as follows:

• Count calories and stay under 2,100 calories on every day except Sunday (the boys' birthday party...I know, I'm already making excuses...)
• Only look at my phone when the boys are not in the room unless I'm receiving a text or a call
• Walk 5 miles this week
• Write 3,000 words in my novel